Real Talk Wednesday – Part 4

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After the initial shock that I was pregnant again wore off we had several hurdles to overcome. On top of having several medications and even a shot to take daily I also had the added worry of miscarrying again. Not just because it had happened the last time, but because it was threatening us this time as well. My routine became very redundant and dare I say a little boring. I started each morning with a PIO shot in the behind. On the lucky days my husband was home to administer them, on my not so lucky days the sweetest neighbor came over everyday to administer it for me. I was too scared to do it myself. Then I did an estrogen pill, iron, synthroid, and metformin throughout the day. By bed time I was exhausted and I had to do a progesterone suppository and then immediately go lay down. I wasn’t allowed to do much out of my bed and the week or so before my morning sickness set in I was not amused. I was grateful to have an excuse to be lazy once the sickness started, and boy did it start. I lived in bed and only got out of the house when I had to go to my RE’s office twice a week. My husband was gone most of my first trimester so it was pretty rough not having him or any family around. Luckily I was blessed with awesome friends who were kind enough to help me out when I needed it. And I survived. Mostly on grilled cheese from sonic, but I survived. I lost almost 15 pounds and literally the only thing that made my nausea a little more bearable was sipping on fountain cokes. I mean you gotta do what you gotta do right?

Just a week and a couple days after my first trimester ended we made an appointment to have a gender scan. I went back and forth with thinking it was a boy or girl. Most of the time I told myself it was a boy. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My hubby couldn’t get off work to go so I went alone. I was so nervous the whole way there. I was finally going to find out if I was going to be mama to a little boy or girl. I laid down in the chair and as I’m telling the tech that I think it’s a boy she said “No honey, it’s a girl!” And there she was. In that moment, I knew that I had known who she was all along. I knew her name was Finley and I knew she was perfect.My husband, if you remember, was at work. I got an outfit and put it in a bag so I could surprise him with it when he got home. He ended up having to work super late and I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I called him to tell him! I seriously wanted to shout off the rooftops that I was having a little girl but I had told my whole family that I wasn’t finding out the gender till the next week because I had planned a surprise for them to find out at church that Sunday with a cake baked by my sweet friend back home.

Hardest. week. of. my. life.

Once both of our families were notified of the gender we did gender reveal photos to send out and post for everyone else. It was so much fun even though we already knew she was a girl.

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It was so hard to not go out and buy her everything in the world. I wanted to go shopping so badly. I resisted, mostly.

I really hope you are enjoying the sharing of my heart. It’s not always easy to tell the world how you felt, what you went through, your hurdles, fears, hopes, dreams… I share that some may find hope in their fertility journey. Be sure to check back next week to hear all about my second and third trimesters.

XOXO – Taylar

Real Talk Wednesday – Part 3

Who knew that telling my story was going to take so many parts. Often times when we are in the thick of things we can’t imagine the future. We can’t imagine how many parts of a story we will or what the outcomes will be. For me I couldn’t see past the heartache. I knew in my heart that one day there would be a blessing for me. I knew that the Lord would grant me the desires of my heart through faith. I just couldn’t imagine it. I remember deciding to test my trigger shot out, which contains HCG so you will test positive for pregnancy until it’s out of your system. Each day I would get up in the morning and take a test. Reminding myself that I wasn’t pregnant and that this round of IUI probably didn’t work. No way I could get pregnant two times in a row like this. After all we had been trying for over 2 years at this point. My Grandpa had gifted us the $500 we needed to do another round of treatment and I felt guilty thinking that we would be wasting his money. Then I would become deeply saddened wondering where we would get another $500 from. The two rounds of treatment we did cost us hundreds of dollars in gas money, $80 for the initial medications we needed, and $500 for the actual procedure. Luckily all my labs, ultrasounds, and visits were fully covered as well as my meds were partially covered. My insurance even covered the $2000 genetic tests we had done. At this point money was the main thing on my mind. We didn’t have enough of it and I kept thinking that we would never have a baby because we couldn’t afford to keep doing round of treatment. I felt very defeated. I think I hid it well from most people. I didn’t want anyone, including my husband, to know the way I was feeling. I knew in my heart that if this round of treatment didn’t work that we would have to wait several months before trying another time. The day before my blood work was scheduled my mom had to leave. I was devastated that she was leaving and my husband was still gone for work. The next morning I woke up and drove the 45 minutes to my REs office then I came home did some cleaning and drove the 5 minutes to my dear friend Stephanie’s house. If you remember in my previous post I had been at Stephanie’s when my miscarriage finally started. She was a great source of comfort, friendship, encouragement, and the biggest listening ear all during this time. Stephanie had just delivered a baby boy and I was on my way to give her a big hug and snuggle his little body. He was such a joy in a time when I was feeling so broken. I remember I got to her house, remarked at how well she was recovering from her second c-section, how well her sweet girl seemed to be adjusting to the new baby, how amazing she looked, and just how sweet and cuddly that baby was. As I’m snuggling him in their rocking chair my phone rings. I look down to turn it off and see that my clinic is calling me a couple hours early. I answer with trembling hands, “Hello.” and that’s when my life was forever changed. In that moment I learned I was going to be a mother. Unlike last time she felt that they could save this baby inside of me. I felt fear and joy like I had never known before. I was told I needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up a new shot that I needed to start immediately. I had less than an hour to drive all the way downtown during rush hour before the pharmacy closed. I handed the baby off. Gave a round of hugs, they said the sweetest prayer over me, and I was on my way. I’m calling everyone I can think of and praising the Lord that my husband was coming home that evening and that I would get to tell him that he was going to be a daddy. It was the most incredible day. Once all our families had been notified that we were indeed pregnant we decided we were going to announce publicly. After losing a baby the month before we decided we would rather the world know of a baby than to keep it another one a secret. I understand why women would choose to keep their losses a secret, but that just wasn’t for me. So with full faith in God we announced.

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For more of the story check back later this week!

XOXO – Taylar

Verse of the Week

1 Corinthians 13:13

“And now these three remain faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.”

In light of everything going on the last few days I couldn’t think of a better verse to memorize this week. Although it’s one that I’ve had memorized for quite sometime, I know that I could use a refresher. Have faith that our God is bigger than everything, have hope that it WILL get better, and love without bounds.

XOXO – Taylar

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Verse of the week

Psalm 4:8

2017 hasn’t exactly started out the way I envisioned. To be completely honest, 2016 didn’t end the way it should have either. Sometimes we are faced with things we do not understand. We don’t know how to fix, or if we want to fix. We can’t see past the mess to even begin to think of the blessings that may be the outcome of such heartache and misery. That is currently where my family is. In the midst of heartache. I downloaded a verse a day app a couple months ago and it has often times given me a verse that is exactly what I needed for that day. Most recently the verse was

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:8

This could not be more fitting for where we are in our lives right now. This week I commit to not only memorizing this verse but remembering it when life bogs me down and I don’t feel any peace. I know that no matter what may come that the Lord will always grant me peace.

XOXO – Taylar

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Real Talk Wednesday – My story part 2

**Small disclaimer: this is a long one so grab a cup of coffee and a snack and enjoy**

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If you tuned into lasts weeks Real Talk Wednesday post then you learned a lot about the long infertility journey my husband and I had. If not you can catch up here. Losing that baby was both a heartbreak and a blessing. I had a lot of guilt for a long time thinking that the loss of my child was a blessing. It took a long time to understand what a blessing it was and also that it was okay that it was a blessing for me. I had prayed and prayed for God to let that child live out his days on this earth but that wasn’t God’s plan. By the end of the miscarriage I was completely at peace, devastated, but at peace. When I received the prescription to help me start my period I was told to call the office as soon as AF started. I remember going into the tiny half bathroom and confirming that indeed my cycle had started, crying for about 20 seconds, forcing myself to pull it together, going out and asking that sweet girl if I could have a hug. She threw her little arms around my middle and she’ll probably never know how much I needed that hug in that moment. I was so grateful that the Lord timed all of that just right for me. He knew that I didn’t need to be alone when that happened and he allowed for me to be in the comfort of one of my dearest friends homes. When she returned home from her appointment we prayed together and she listened to me. Never judging and not saying much. I left a short while later and when I returned home I called my Reproductive Endocrinologists office and asked to speak with my nurse. I told her I finally got my cycle. She asked if we wanted to wait a while to start our next round of treatment or if we were going to take a break. Thinking that the doctor would want to wait a month or two I said that we would do another round as soon as Dr. Littman gave the green light. Little did I know they were going to tell me to come in the following day for blood work. I was stunned. I hadn’t even discussed it with my husband yet. He was, of course, okay with the decision for me to go in the next morning. We had discussed doing a round of treatment when the Doctor felt we were ready. Those next few days flew by and by the next week we were starting another round of nightly shots.

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I did a shot a day of Gonal F and after 10 days I had not 1 but 4 mature follicles. I was praying for no more than two babies because there is no way I could handle 4 babies on my own so far away from family. My mom had a plane ticket to come spend two weeks with me during my birthday and it just so happens that the morning of my IUI my mom was going to be in town.

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My mom had flown in late the night before and we had an early morning 45 minutes away. That morning we woke up and got ready and headed out. My husband had an appointment first to give his sample and my mom and I waited for him at Ihop. We all had breakfast but I could barely eat anything. I was too excited. After breakfast we headed back to the clinic and checked in. We decided it was okay for my mom to be in the room with us since she was here. They called me back after waiting what felt like an eternity. The process of IUI can only be described that akin to a pap, only easier and less invasive, if you can believe that. It was done in less than 30 seconds. The doctor made a joke about letting my mom press the button on the syringe but we decided against that. It is always funny to tell people though. They look a little horrified but I can assure you that it was a lot more modest to child birth and you tend to have a whole team of people around down there for that. We went home and spent the rest of the day, as well as the following day, resting. The morning after my IUI my husband had to leave for a work trip. He would be gone the entire two week wait. I have never been so grateful to have my mom visiting than I was then.

We did so many things to help fill the time, including, making a trip to Utah, visiting the Eiffel tower down on the strip, wondering some of the nicer casinos, and honestly just sitting at home visiting. Unlike the first round of treatment, this round I didn’t have any feelings of being pregnant. I had actually convinced myself that there was no way it had worked a second time. I did test out my trigger shot but this time I never got a positive once the trigger left my system. I wasn’t necessarily sad or angry over “not being pregnant” but I was tired. I was tired of everyone else getting their happy endings and feeling like I’d never get mine. Having my mom around really helped me push those thoughts out of my mind and just focus on all the blessings the Lord had given me. It also reminded me that God had promised he’d make me a mother in his time and that with just a little faith my greatest blessing could be just around the corner.

I’m sure a lot of women who go through infertility get angry and push everyone, including God, away. I totally understand. If you would have asked me at the beginning of my journey if I thought that would’ve been me, I would’ve told you yes. I have a tendency of shutting people out when I’m hurting. That has included God many times in my life. Something changed during my miscarriage. I needed God. I could no longer stand on my own. I needed him to carry me. Through my miscarriage the Lord called me to him. I prayed to him almost without ceasing. At first begging for my child, then asking him to finally make it be over, and lastly to help me understand. Who would have thought that losing a child could draw me the closest I’ve ever been to not only my husband but also my God? Sure I could have pushed God to the side and been angry with him but then I would have missed out on his grace. Through my journey I learned that my God is faithful and full of grace. That is a lesson that I am so grateful to have walked through and learned. His blessings just keep pouring out.

Want to read more of the story? Tune in next week for the third chapter of my story.

XOXO – Taylar

Verse of the week

Ruth 1:16

Wherever you go, I’ll go, and wherever you stay, I’ll stay; your people will be my people, and you God will be my God.

I am committing to memorizing a verse a week and I invite you to join along. This weeks verse comes from the book of Ruth. I am currently doing a daily devotional in this book. It’s a beautiful and tragic story of love, death, and Gods grace. I have read this verse many times over my life but never has it held as much meaning as it does now. It now reminds me of my promise to my husband, our covenant with God over our marriage, and the vows we spoke to one another the day we said “I do”. Life throws many curve balls and often feels like a roller coaster of emotions. We all at some point have insecurities, self doubt, doubt in our relationships, depressed periods, and uneasy feelings. This verse reminds me no only that I love my husband so much that I’ll go wherever he goes, but that I should also remind him of that. That I love him so much that I will go wherever he goes, and stay where he stays. I don’t know about you but I know that I could use this reminder from time to time.

To help myself memorize and meditate on this verse I have made it my phone lock screen, as well as, made hand written post it notes and left them all over the house wherever I visit the most. It’s already working and after a day I’ve already memorized it for the most part. What book of the Bible are you meditating on recently? Leave me a comment so I can check it out!

XOXO – Taylar

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Real Talk Wednesday – My story part 1

I moved 2000 miles across the country with my husband and our dog nearly two and a half years ago now. I remember at the time feeling scared, excited, and a little alone. I knew no one, I had never been to Nevada before, I had never lived farther than about 20 minutes from my parents front door. I knew it was going to be an adventure. I didn’t know it at the time but moving to Nevada was going to be one of the greatest blessings in my life. I remember when we first moved here I was bored. So bored. I was terrified of driving here, because, hello, interstate. Plus I didn’t know a soul. I remember deciding to start this blog as a way to fill my time and there for a while I was gun-ho all about this blog. I remember I spent hours thinking of ideas and writing down notes. I even started making friends and sharing with them about Taylar Made. Then darkness hit about 6 months after we moved here. My husband and I had been TTC for 2 years at this point, been wrongfully diagnosed, correctly diagnosed, tested, and worked out a treatment plan. At this point I was mentally exhausted. It felt as though everyone and their sister was pregnant with a baby. It came so easily for them and for me it just didn’t work. My body refused to do the main thing it was created to do. Make a baby. In February of 2015 and we underwent our first round of treatment. I remember the next morning calling my mom and telling her “I know this worked, I know I’m pregnant. I know it’s a little girl.” In all my excitement I decided to test out my HCG trigger shot and much to my delight after 2 days of negative pregnancy tests I finally got my positive. It read “pregnant 1-2 weeks”! I was overjoyed and praising the Lord for his faithfulness.

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I remember telling close friends and family. We literally couldn’t contain our excitement. Then disaster struck and I got my menstrual cycle. I convinced myself that the pregnancy test I had gotten earlier in the week was false and I must have had just enough of the HCG left in my system from trigger shot to register on the Clearblue. It was no big deal, they told me that it often takes 2-3 rounds of treatment to conceive anyway. My period was fairly heavy and than just stopped. It only lasted a couple of days so I went about my business and counted the days till my next RE appointment. I went in the following Monday and had blood work done. I told my nurse that I wasn’t pregnant because I got my period. She said either way the doctor would call me by 4:30 pm. Mind you, I went in at 10 am. Talk about the longest day ever. I just wanted to talk to her about the next course of action. What happened next was equally exciting and devastating. I never saw it coming. Dr. Littman called me and told me that indeed I was pregnant! I literally told her to “shut up, but I got my period.” She laughed. Then she got to the devastating part. She told me that it looked like my body was going to miscarry and that with BETA numbers as low as mine there was anything she could do but wait and see. For the next 4 weeks I went twice a week for blood work to monitor my BETAs. I at first refused any medications to help the process along, but after 3 weeks of watching the numbers fall, excruciatingly slowly, I caved and asked for medications to force my period to start. I felt like both life and death in those weeks and I had enough. I prayed for several days before I finally asked them to just make it stop. I remember exactly where I was the moment my period started. My sweet friend Stephanie had a doctor’s appointment, she was expecting their second child and needed someone to watch their daughter. I remember Charis and I were playing bubbles and I suddenly realized I needed to use the restroom. I felt both agonizing sadness and relief, then extreme guilt. The weeks leading up to the medication I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours and sob to The Lord asking him to please give us that baby. By the end I was at peace knowing it was his will that baby live out all of eternity in heaven. If she couldn’t be in my arms then who better arms for her to be in than Jesus? A few nights later God showed me in a dream a little girl with long golden hair dancing away. It brought me so much joy and comfort to see. We decided to name her Eliana Hope, meaning God has answered our hope. Even in our darkest hours God was there for us. He knew his plans for our family and he would show us his grace. All it took was a little heartache, patience, and faith. We didn’t know what was waiting just around the corner for us.img_2750

If you want to hear the rest of the story check back next week on real talk Wednesday and I’ll be sharing what happens next. Maybe you can take a guess.

XOXO – Taylar Mae